Back to Basics

With the start of the new school year, I thought it may be a good time for a little “review” of the basics of sex toys. (Ok, with the last post about sex toys, Lily also gave me a little hint that it may be a good topic….so I can’t claim total originality.)

I didn’t learn anything about sex toys as a young Mormon adult. I actually think most active LDS members are comfortable with sex toys at some level or another, although they may not use the words “sex toy” to describe whatever it is they have fun with in bed. My education about the various items that can help women achieve that sometimes elusive orgasm and make sex both fun and more pleasurable for both partners came at in-home sex toy parties. These parties are just like our mothers’ in-home tupperware parties, except for toys and enhancements for the bedroom are sold instead of plastic food storage containers.

Based on my own conversations with close family and friends that are religious, I would say that a sex toy generally crosses the line with conservative minded people when it replaces the actual act of sex between a couple. Keep in mind that sex toys can often be used alone, but definitely could be used and enjoyed exclusively as a couple activity.

Here’s a run-down of what I consider to be the “back to basics” of sex toys:

Lubrications and Lotions: Yes, they have a practical purpose for those dry days. But they can turn into fun toys with various scents, tastes, warming and/or cooling sensations, reaction to water, and colors. Just make sure you are buying something that is safe to go inside you and on him - some lotions are meant to be “above the waist” fun only and are not actually meant to be used for lubricants for sex.

Vibrators: Perhaps your grandma didn’t have one, but chances are your mom did. Vibrators come in many shapes and sizes, but a standard vibrator is only 3-4 inches long and maybe 1-2 inches in diameter. It’s meant to stimulate a woman’s clitoris, and should not be used internally (it could easily be lodged in the vagina and have to be removed by a doctor). Many men like to use these on woman in lieu of or in addition to oral stimulation of the clitoris. Many woman prefer the vibrating sensation. It acts as a great “warm-up” to a woman. Although many women can climax based on clitoral stimulation alone, it by no means replaces actual intercourse between a couple. (Variations: some vibrators are slightly curved in order to be inserted an inch or two into the vagina to find the G-spot.)

Dildo: Not to be confused with a vibrator. IMO, dildos are probably more controversial amongst LDS couples (and other conservative crowds) because they look like a penis and generally are viewed as replacing a man completely. They are usually realistic in size and meant to be inserted into a woman just like a real penis would be during sex. However, these can still be used easily as a couple, especially if he has a hard time holding out long enough to please her (after he finishes, he could actually use a dildo on her, since it’s always hard…..) or if a couple wants to experiment with double-entry (i.e., he is inside her anus and the dildo is inside her vagina).

Ben Wa balls: Not necessarily a “toy”, but definitely a way to enhance sex. Kegal exercises provide a “work out” to the pelvic floor muscles, which support the uterus. Women who regularly do kegal exercises can actually contract the walls of their vaginas, making sex more pleasurable for both a man and a woman. (When you are going pee, try to stop mid-stream. The muscles you are flexing to accomplish that are the same muscles you want to contract in a kegal exercise.) Ben wa balls are actually placed inside your vagina (think like a tampon). If you don’t flex, they will immediately fall out, since they are weighted and gravity works. If you can hold them inside without letting them fall out, congratulations. (BTW, these muscles will also make incontinence a less likely risk for you and will make childbirth - and the recovery afterward - easier and faster.)

Whew! I think that’s a long enough review for one day.

Feel free to add more info on your favorite toys, brands, and/or thoughts on which toys are appropriate or not as an individual or as a couple.

Thoughts from a sex shop salesgirl

From the article, Confessions of a Sex Shop Salesgirl:

Ultimately, I became an ad hoc protector of women. Like the time a bearded book editor appeared. After gabbing about the erotic-lit industry, he explained a particularly ludicrous double-penetration scenario he imagined for his wife. He seemed to treat sex as an event strictly for his pleasure, which I found particularly egregious. I was sleep-deprived and blurted out, “Sir, what do your wife’s feet look like?” He paused. Then stuttered. He had no idea. I suggested that for the next month, he spend a weekly hour in bed with his wife without using his penis. Two months later, a thank-you note appeared to “the tall saleswoman who taught my husband how to make love.”

‘Understand, we were not just selling motorized sticks. We were also teaching women how to never be submissive. A woman with a well-stocked toy drawer isn’t dependent on anyone and is unlikely to hurl herself at a lowlife just for nooky. Though I began my job on a lark, it became clear that being a sex-shop salesgirl is, in some way, a curiously feminist calling.

I think my experience sort of mirrors that of this salesgirl, meaning that as I’ve gotten older and haven’t been afraid to own my sexuality, I’ve been less dependent on my husband to satisfy my needs. It’s empowering to know that I can be sexually fulfilled without a man (though I do far prefer his attention to that of a vibrator).

Do you agree that having a well-stocked toy collection can be liberating for women? What about for men?

“Sexy Time” Music

It’s Business Time.  You know it.  Your significant other knows it.  You’ve dimmed the lights.  Or you’ve lit scented candles.  You’ve got your “game face” on.  Maybe you’re wearing your lucky boxers, or your do-me-now teddy.  Only one thing remains, a little mood music… that perfect CD to set the atmosphere. 

 

What’s it gonna be?  You scan your CD collection; you dial through your iPod…

I suppose it’s because their balls are so pure?

These purity balls really freak me out. I mean, really. Talk about a throwback to medieval traditions of fathers protecting their daughter’s “virtue.”

Sure in the LDS church we have plenty of talk about premarital virginity, but I’m really glad it isn’t taken to such an extreme. Or do these happen in Utah and I’m just clueless?

The So-Called “G Spot”

When I first heard of the “Gräfenberg Spot,” better known as the “G Spot,” my mind pictured a “pleasure button,” not unlike a video arcade button.  It sounded like all one had to do was find the button, and bang away on it, like killing aliens in Space Invaders or jumping barrels in Donkey Kong.  Seemed easy enough, or so I thought.

 

Years later, when I became sexually active, my attempts at finding – and more important, successfully coaxing a response from the G Spot – was pretty hit and miss.  Sometimes it appeared to be as mythical and difficult to find as Atlantis or El Dorado; other times it was as obvious and easy to find as a Starbucks.

What’s Your Fetish?

Ever watch Real Sex on HBO?  It’s been around for something like a hundred years, I think.  They keep playing the same 30ish episodes over and over again.  The last “new one” was probably produced long before Clinton and Lewinsky were playing “hide the cigar” in the Oval Orifice. 

 

It’s called “Real Sex,” but 99 times out of 100 it doesn’t depict the kind of real sex I like to engage in on a regular basis.  Most of the episodes are kind of hard to watch, to tell you the truth.  Last night I made my wife change the channel because the weird latex fetish sh*t they were doing on screen didn’t compliment the left-over Subway sandwich I was trying to eat for dinner.

 

This ain’t boner-producing stuff, that’s for sure.

Important doctrinal question

Exodus 20 says:

17 Thou shalt not ^acovet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ^bwife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.

So I’m not supposed to covet my neighbor’s wife. And I’m also not supposed to covet my neighbor’s ass.

But am I allowed to covet his wife’s ass?

–

(Yeah, I know. Don’t give up my day job.)

“Tequila makes her clothes fall off” — the role of alcohol in Mormon sexuality

Joe Nichols’ song, Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off, is all good fun. But there’s really something to the idea, isn’t there?

I’ve known co-workers and friends who tend to lose clothing and inhibitions with a drink or two. For some, this leads to embarrassing moments. But for others, it’s an integral part of their sexuality.

Mormons are limited in this context. There is no socially acceptable Mormon setting for drinking. Some members may drink, but they do so outside of church settings (and often hidden from other church members).

To what extent does this limit Mormon sexuality? And, are these limits good or bad, in the end?

Practicing Mormons avoid the potential emotional (or other) fallout that others may face, following unwise, booze-fueled hook-ups. This is an upside. I’ve known some co-workers who regretted their very public hook ups.

On the other hand, Mormon ideas on sexuality are often rigid and repressed. Sometimes I have to wonder whether more Mormons couldn’t use a drink to loosen up.

–

What role, if any, has alcohol played in your own sexuality? How do you negotiate the complicated potential interplay between alcohol, sex, and Mormonism? What good or bad have you found inside or outside of the traditional LDS approach?

And, what’s your favorite drink? Does tequila (or anything else) make your clothes fall off? Inquiring minds want to know.

Naked Mormon Bloggers?

I was intending to take a poll here at the VC, to see which of us bloggers you’d most like to see pose in a calandar centerfold, just like this poll at Playboy.

But given the recent news that missionary calendar hottie Chad Hardy is now facing church discipline for his shirtless pics, I’m starting to reconsider my intention.

Mormon Erotica on Youtube

Just for fun — here’s the coolest Youtube I’ve seen for a while. The juxtaposition of image and word is just priceless.  Mormon images like you’ve never quite seen them before.